The Only Thing Constant is Change

laying in my bed
phone pressed against my ear
ive been smiling since she picked up and im still sittin here
talking past mistakes
trying not to make her one
a ton of bad moves have kept me from wantin love
and now that im neck-deep
it seems that im sacrificing what i want for what she needs
just because of that feeling of weak knees
im fighting to be her favorite
as much as i dont want to admit it
i want her to need me as much as i need her
because ive lost my needs in order to please her
shes my number one priority
and as much as the old me doesnt want her to be i know thats where she stays
so those small insecurities have become monsters in my brain
praying on my need to see that im to be her main
my hearts getting the best of me
my thoughts are losing capacity
and the mixture of the two is whats gonna be the end of me
but thru all this
im nervous she cant love me nor can anybody else
because im not whole and thats something nobody can help
i tried to put the pieces back
but i lost those pieces back
when the only one to say they loved me also had a tendency of making me bloody… But that’s a whole other story
so im never gonna be her
whole and complete
shes the embodiment of my hopes
the keeper of my dreams
the one that i see infront of me while im crouched on bended knee
and shes on the other side of the phone
telling me shes not perfect and she has her own scars and burns
she tells me her flaws and i honestly dont believe her
cause from what i see nothings wrong
and others see it too
because while im telling her i miss her
i know her boyfriend does too..

Its funny how every body has crushes, of course they range in severity from staring for a prolonged period in chem class, to day dreaming about a relationship with that person. I myself have a little bit of a crush. How can i tell? I have all the symptoms, I overanalyze and try to decipher ever little interaction, I smile too hard for too long with no real reason, I daydream about her daily, I often imagine weird scenarios where i can be chivalrous, or caring, or even showcase my romantic skills. ive diagonosed my symptoms very well in advance, which means its easily curable, but its hard when the sickness is also the cure. She inspires me to be better, yet being with her weakens me to a point where i feel slightly demasculated. Why? because my gender instilled me with the “no emotions” chromosome and now I have my “like” for her oozing out of every pore.

I’ve always wondered why they call them crushes, but its easy to guess when your in one. Your heart gets heavy when there around, almost like its going to sink out of your body, my guess is because it’s holding in so much affection for that person, that gravity has to do its job and let it fall. Every time she touches me, that section of my body enhances it 10 fold. It’s like her small, delicate, and soft hands are actually two ton boulders weighing me down, crushing me. I’m not entirely sure, but I think if feels like that for everyone though. We walk around with those thoughts, those dreams, and that passion for our crush around daily. I know i do. I dont mind the weight though. Having her around makes air smell better, it makes food taste better, and even makes music seem more melodic. Its almost like she is a song, each step she takes is always in tempo, her heart always resounds those baseful tones, and her voice. Ha, you get the idea. I guess you could say she’s my favorite song, it’s kinda stuck in my head.

But what to do with these crushes? Its kinda hard to make a move when were weighed down so much. I guess you could take the brave and courageous approach and just announce your crush from the heavens!!! Me? Im down with the subtle statement of affection, i.e. a small gift at the right time, that eye-to-eye lock followed by the confident words “so…im kinda feeling you”. Im not sure about this crush tho, she deserved a way more than my norm. i havent met anyone like her. its only been a month of knowing her and im all giddy giddy goo. this crush is totally different from the rest ive been talking to. she brings out the best in me and i hope things can turn for the better some day..Crushes are fun, but im ready to trade the heavy weight for some anti-gravitational love.